Randy Hemingway's Blog

Just a word of advice to any of my readers who happen to be from Missouri. I was driving thru McD’s today for lunch (just driving thru is a whole lot faster than waiting in that big ol’ line of cars) and I heard that all registered sex offenders can not be anywhere near trick-or-treaters this year (*mockingly* great idea. someone deserves a raise.) and that they had to put a sign on their door that says, “No candy or treats at this residence.” Also a good idea. Now, just a word of warning: if you’re one of those people (like me. except I eat the candy. is that hypocritical?) who doesn’t celebrate Halloween for any number of reasons (please, I’ve probably heard them, so keep them to yourself) and your neighbors already think you’re weird and judgmental because of it, DO NOT put a sign on your front door that reads, “No candy or treats at this residence.” You may try to discourage kids from participating in the celebration of Halloween via trick-or-treating by refusing to give them candy; but, unless you want to start getting some even stranger looks from your neighbor, you will not post a sign like this. Look, nail the Johnsons’ 95 Theses of Why Halloween is Responsible for the Economic Crisis of America to your front door, for all I care. Consider yourself warned. Now, if you didn’t read this before Halloween, you posted that sign, the neighbors won’t answer your calls anymore, and the Police are currently pursuing you through thick, forest under-growth as you try to reach the Mexican border, learn one lesson, if none at all: learn the lessons you are being taught because if you try to teach a lesson that you didn’t learn, your learning of the taught lesson will teach you not to teach lessons once taught to un-teachable tutors. Right. Class dismissed.

Well, I’m back after a lengthy hiatus to tell you of the other half of my day of getting our tv. Okay, so we finally got the tv. Nothing much to speak of there and then we unpack it from the box. It is HUGE. At least it seems huge to us. So, we got it all set up and then we went to plug the cable into the back…and there’s no cable jack. I had no idea what to do. When it comes to high tech stuff, I may know if what I’m looking at is nice or not (no guarantees), but I usually have no clue when it comes to setting it up. So, we called our cable company and had a nice little chat. We were just going to get digital cable with a box and all that so we could at least watch TV with the new monstrosity sitting on our entertainment center, but then we asked how much more it would be to get the HD service. He said it would only be $5 more a month! When I told Faith that, we both looked at each other for a second and then I said, “We’ll take it!” Then, the cable guy said he was just going to take a minute to update our account….which turned into a 15 minute ordeal. All the while, I’m listening to hold music and ads for cable services. Then, another guy came on to say that they had changed our services and to schedule a time for the cable guy to come out and install the new HD tuner. We weren’t able to schedule anything until well into the next week so he said we could pick up the tuner ourselves if we wanted to at the place which was 20 minutes away and that closed in … 20 minutes. At that point, I said, “Well, I’d better get going. Thanks for your help.” and hung up. I ran out the door and drove as fast as the many thousands of red lights would let me down to the cable place. When I got there, it was right at the time when they were supposed to be closing, but I wouldn’t let that stop me. I went up to the door just as another guy was coming out. Unfortunately, he was pretty big so I had to step aside and the door closed really fast so I couldn’t get to it before it closed. Not to be deterred by such minor setbacks as locked doors, I peered through the glass to see if anyone else was in there. Then, I saw a customer at the window. I started knocking on the glass really hard because there was another door inside. I gave up on that pretty soon, but I just hung out, waiting to see if I could grab the door when she came out. Fortunately, the worker came out with her and reluctantly let me in. After I gave her some pathetic excuse and looking even more pathetic…as if I needed this HD tuner now or my twelve children and four wives would perish from lack of tele-nutrition. It was sad, but necessary. A few minutes later, I walked out, HD tuner in hand. And the difference is truly amazing. We’re loving it.

A little while ago, I expressed to my lovely wife some interest in a new television set. It was one of those “I know this isn’t going to happen any time soon and you know it isn’t going to happen any time soon, but it sure is nice to dream” things. Then, a little bit after that, she was asking me about the difference between LCD and plasma and all that stuff. I ran to the bedroom, pulled my “Captain Tech” leotard out of the crumbling cardboard box under the bed, put it on, and commenced running around the living room making whoosh-like flying sounds and yelling my catch phrase (since I just made this all up, I’m having a bit of trouble coming up with a catch phrase, so you’re just going to have to take my word for it. whatever it is, I’m sure it’s a good one, though). When Faith finally got me to calm down, stop hyperventilating from the exertion (have you tried balancing on the back of a loveseat while holding an heirloom vase lately?), and change out the leotard for something a bit more appropriate, I explained to her that I had very little knowledge on the matter. All I knew was that we probably wanted an LCD TV because the living room is pretty bright, that we would probably want something in the mid- to high-30’s (as far as inches of screen real estate goes), and HD would probably be a good idea for when we purchase a new TV years down the road just because it’s amazing. Now, this is where it gets interesting. Yes, even more interesting than my “Captain Tech” leotard, which I am wearing right now. And, no, you cant’ see.

THEN, the Saturday before last (9/27; remember that. it’s important. but only as long as you’re reading this story. after you’re done, forget it. think you can remember that?), I woke up before Faith and was checking my e-mails and social networks and decided to have a look-see at buy.com. You know, just to see if there were any TV’s that I wasn’t going to buy at a price that I couldn’t afford anyway. Well, then this little problem came up. There was a TV I would buy at a price I could afford. So, when Faith woke up, I told her about it. We kind of went back and forth between “Oh, I don’t know” and “Why not?” but we always ended up looking at each other with that look that said “you and I both know we’re going to buy this, so let’s quit with this little charade and BUY IT ALREADY! WOOHOO!” So, long story not quite as long as it could be: we bought it. We bought a 37″ LCD HDTV. And it’s great. We love it. As a matter of fact, I’m going to put off telling the saga of it arriving and getting the HD box until later because I gotta catch me some Science Channel in 1080p HD before Heroes comes on … in HD. Never going back.

Yesterday, Friday, I was wiped out. From the minute I got up, which was a little later than it should have been, to when I got to work, which was earlier than usual (not sure how that happened, considering [1] I’m never early to work, [2] I woke up a little late, and [3] no matter how hard I try, I’m never early to work…late, usually, but never early), I was functioning in some sort of Auto mode. Speaking of which, I should probably try explain how I came up with my blog name. But I digress. After getting to work, tossing my bag (still unoccupied by previously coveted laptop) in the corner of my cubicle, and gently placing my Starbucks Venti Mocha next to my keyboard, I flopped down in my chair, heaved a deep sigh, and thought, “*groan* I’m tired.” Then, I sniffled, rubbed my eyes, and tried to stretch that ache out of my lower back: all signs that my body gives me that I probably should’ve stayed in bed. However, it being morning and all, my brain was just picking up steam. Therefore, I started thinking about how I know I’m tired. What signals does my body give me? Here’s how you can probably tell that you’re tired:

1) If you start yawning, you’re probably tired…or bored. I can never tell which. I usually wait for some of these other signs to show up with the yawning to be sure I’m actually tired or not.

2) If you’re sitting in front of your computer one minute, then “magically” transported to a distant land, surrounded by happy, drunken oil sheiks offering you millions of dollars because you’re such a nice American? Wake up. You’re probably just a little tired and nodded off for a minute.

3) If you’re in a meeting and realize that your boss is looking at you kind of funny, because you’ve been staring at (or through) him, slack-jawed, for the last five minutes, you should probably make a stop at the coffee-maker pretty soon. *whispering* Oh, and I didn’t want to say anything with all those people, but you’ve got a little, um, drool on your collar. Yeah, right there.

4) If you find yourself staring at all the pretty jet contrails in the sky as you’re driving down the road, and you start wondering what it would be like to fly like a happy little birdie through the clouds…GET OFF THE ROAD! or you might just be flyin’ to Glory like a happy little birdie, ifyanowudimean.

5) If you’ve been staring blankly at your screen, which is now in screen-saver mode, for the last couple of minutes, get up to go to the bathroom (at least, that’s your excuse), find yourself in the copier room (staring at the little screen on the copier), attempt to focus on getting to the bathroom, and end up back at your desk, staring at your monitor, I don’t know what your problem is. But, don’t be too hard on yourself, it happens to the best of us. Really.

6) If you recline in your chair, try to mentally work through a problem, start day-dreaming, and find yourself laughing out loud about something that happened to you a couple days ago? Wow. You’re tired.

7) If you’ve had a long day at work, your vision is starting to blur, and you begin to lose control of the muscles that hold your neck in position, slowly remove all sharp objects from your hands, push any food or expensive electronics away from you, and brace yourself for a crash landing.

Well, that’s all I can think of. I was going to write this last night, but I was way too tired. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but watch TV. How about you? How do you know you’re getting tired? I don’t know why, but stories about people falling asleep at the wrong times are a lot of fun. If you’ve got one about yourself or a friend leave it in the comments. I’d love to hear about it. I’m always up for a good laugh.